Archive | August, 2012

Holy shit a new post!

28 Aug

Hey, it’s been a while. Here’s what I’ve been up to:

I had a TERRIFIC summer. I moved out to my dad’s place in rural Johnson County, where coyotes come up to the house at night and yelp. I spent a weekend in southern California with my two best girls in June and that was FUN. I worked a lot at my second gig (event staffing stuff). At the end of July, I got to go work the marching band camp for the finest high school band in the state of Kansas (and possibly the region). I spent a week working with trombones and band geekin’ hardcore. It was a fantastic, sleep-deprived, sensory-overloaded experience.

Now I’m back in the doctorate groove. I’m teaching music appreciation and taking fascinating classes. I have a steady gig playing jazz. Life is good.

And when life is good, which it has been since March or so, I find myself shying away from maintaining the blog. I think this is a habit I need to snap out of, as I should write down my thoughts when things are awesome, as well as when they are difficult. If a tree loves life in a forest and there’s no one around to notice, is life really awesome? Philosophical argument for the day.

With satisfaction inevitably comes awareness of past mistakes and pitfalls, of things I wish I had to “do over,” but this awareness is more of a fleeting introspection. It’s not something I’m permitting to get me down. Part of growing up and out of garbage is calling yourself out on your old shit.

So here’s a couple of “call-out” moments for me.

I am damned lucky that my friends from Idaho refused to bail on me when I chose weird negative isolation over their offers of companionship. They stuck it out with me and I will forever be grateful. I have a really bad case of cognitive bias when it comes to accepting friendship. By that I mean, why in the hell would someone want to be my buddy? I have so much mental noise and fuzz that sometimes I can’t like myself enough to ponder the notion that anyone else would like me. This is a weird case of thought patterns distorting my reality, and I’m working on it. Sometimes I treat people like crap because I think I should be treated like crap. This is something I am trying to break.

So, dear friends from Idaho: Thank you. You’re fucking awesome and I don’t tell you enough.

The other thing is this: I shall never again allow a man, woman, creature, thing, whatever to control my self-image the way that my ex-boyfriend did. All of the gaslighting bullshit aside, part of the reason I was SO miserable with him was because he cultivated in me behaviors that I absolutely loathed, but I felt powerless to correct them at the time. I was selfish and horny and near-sighted and impatient and unkind and irresponsible. Everything I have tried to become since then is the opposite of those things. Well, except for horny. I’m a passionate person, what can I say.

It is remarkable how you can mistake misery for happiness in the context of a relationship because you convince yourself that you are nothing without that person. I definitely built my own holding cell on that one. That started a cascade of issues in all aspects of my life, and fortunately that avalanche seems to have finally subsided. I’m still a work in progress. At least right now I like myself enough to take care of my body and my mind and maintain something approaching a professional focus.

Again, none of this would be possible without the support and assistance of family and a few dear friends (they know who they are).

Right now my focus is to bring love and light into every room I enter, and make it a better place to be. That’s all I can control. So we’ll go from there.

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