Life: No one gets out alive

22 Mar

I don’t know if I can keep pretending that settling for anything less than being a professional musician is okay. The more time I spend in academia, the less I want to be an academic and the more I just wanna play.

There’s a massive bundle of neuroses backing this statement, and a train of thought processes that I could never really explain. My brain just moves so fast any more, I can’t keep up and so I just cherry pick the thoughts that are semi-coherent.

I’m visiting a place where people shake your hand and say, “What do you play?” instead of “What do you do?” and there is never an awkward conversation about how musicians are a worthless drain on society and no one asks me what I’m going to do with a Ph.D. What the Christ do you think I’m going to do with it? Literally anything I desire! THAT’S THE WHOLE GOD DAMN POINT.

Sorry, parents and authority figures, but up until now I have been chasing an abridged version of my dreams; a version of my dreams that is tolerable to people who play the establishment game. A version of my dreams that is acceptable to discuss at parties with old ignorant people, one that power-tripping middle-school teachers smirk at and go out of their way to suppress.

Dreaming boldly is a radical act, but actually seizing on the dream and making it a tangible reality is so far removed from convention and establishment thought that it becomes a point of ridicule and people who mean well try to wedge you into their version of acceptable reality.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that says “Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.” I think we all leave abandoned dreams in our wake, and up until now I have tried to shoehorn an acceptability onto what I do, as if academia validates my existence.

I’m a musician. I want to be a musician forever. I want to play. I want to ride off into the sunset on my bicycle with a couple of horns and just fucking play. I don’t know how long I can keep pretending that other things make me happy, because nothing makes me happier than playing my horn. I’m so fucking tired of playing it safe.


One Response to “Life: No one gets out alive”

  1. inmusictheoryonly March 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    I couldn’t have put it better myself.

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